Clean joke

Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles Wanna hear a dirty one? Bubbles was a man.

Car insurance

I save hundreds on my car insurance by switching.. into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Horse

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him why the long face.. They horse unable to understand English shits on the floor and leaves.

Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,  which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail  and with his odd diet, he suffered from

Old farmer

An old farmer wrote a letter to his son who was in prison, the letter read "I can't plant any potatoes this season as I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would help me dig it" The next day the son got his dads

Ghetto

things ghetto people do: make crazy facebook names like " Shiniqua MauryLiedHeKnowHeDaBabyFatha Johnson"

God

I doubt if God is gonna be like "Lee! Welcome to heaven. Lets see... Looks like you obeyed my laws, besides a few misdemeanors. You were a missionary for awhile helping spread the word of me and you resisted the

Penguin

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

Pregnant

guy1: my gf is pregnant but i used protection. Guy2: my dear friend i'll explain. There was a man in the forest with his umbrella, he saw a tiger approaching, he triggered his umbrella, and fired at the tiger...and the tiger

Happy

Me: "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!"
T-Rex: "You bitch"

Wife

My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!!

Idk

Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

Classroom

little johnny sat in the classroom. the teacher says class if you can tell me who said these quotes, ill let you leave early. who said four score and seven years ago? nancy beats johnny to it and shouts abe lincoln! the teacher

Warning labels

Funny labels on products: 1) WARNING-packets of peanuts, may have nuts inside 2) Christmas lights-for indoor or outdoor use only 3) Pepper spray-do not spray in your eyes 4) Dial soap-use as regular soap 5) Hair

Apart

Have you ever taken something apart, had a look inside, then carefully put everything back only to realise you've got some bits left over? That's sort of why I'm not a surgeon any more.

Men have better friends

Proof that Men have Better friends: Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

Kid

Bring your kid to work day must be really awkward for a porn star.

Crazy

I was going crazy trying to remember rihannas ex boyfriends name. Then it hit me...

Gps

You know your in the ghetto when your GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

Hitler

Historians have confirmed that Hitler was doing it for a Klondike Bar.

Rapist

That akward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer. Killer- turn down that dark road right there. Rapist- I was planning on it...

Cowboy

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, If you weren't such

Stupid

I knew a blonde so stupid that: she called to get my phone number. she spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate. she tried to drown a fish. she studied for a blood test. she took a ruler to

Captain

me: thank you captain obvious friend: your welcome sergeant sarcasm me: indeed, comrade comeback; Friend: thank you senior smartass; me: anytime dictator dickhead

Blind guy

I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. he said he was gonna pay me back next time he saw me. wait......(._. )

Dream

I dream of you when I'm sleeping, that's why i wake up screaming

Rihanna

I was going crazy trying to remember rihannas ex boyfriends name. Then it hit me...

Newborn

When my newborn daughter was born, I decided to name her Bambi. In hopes that someone would shoot her mother.

Elevator

that awkward moment when you are in an elevator with an obese guy and he catches you staring at the weight limit sign

Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey“ but I haven’t got the energy." “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull“ They’re

Math

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?" "None," replied

Weird things

wierd things to do in public place: 1.run up to an old lady and scream oh my where have you been? Wernt you buried 10 years ago? 2. grab a little kids ballon, candy or whatever and run away 3. Run into a store and

Fat

Yo mama so fat when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling ball

Fat

Yo mama so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

Fat

Yo mama so fat folk exercise by jogging around het

Ugly

Yo mama So ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!!

Ugly

Yo mama So ugly your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye...

Dark

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

Poor

Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!

Poor

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says: DING!

Poor

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention

Poor

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said: Moving.

Yellow

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Dirty

Yo mama's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

Fat

Yo mama so fat she has a real horse on her polo shirt.

Old

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it

Old

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Old

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said: 'Sorry, no professionals'.

Facebook

I've come to realise that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it,.. It always belongs to the uglier one.

High

*high in a restaurant* Waitress: would you like soup or salad? Me: what the hell is a super salad?

5 days

first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest..

Edward

I wonder if Edward would get offended if Bella asked him to do her doggy style?

Lessons

My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though.

Grocery

Guess it's time to do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in my fridge and left a note "I can't live like this.."

Blinker

a brunette is have car troubles, she sees a blonde and asked her.. brunette: can u check to see if my right blinker is working? blonde: yeah,okay.(walks to back of car)

Fairy

a blond, brunette and a red head was held at gun point on top of a cliff. out of nowhere, a fairy appeared infront of them. the fairy goes "if you jump off this cliff and scream out what you want to be, you'll turn Into it".

FBI

Job at the FBI.. The FBI had an opening for an assassin & After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists, Two men and a blonde. For the final test, the FBI agents took

Three daughters

A mom has three daughters. Brunette: Mom why did you name me Rose? Mom: Because when you were born a rose landed on your head. Ginger: Mom why is my name Petal? Mom: Because when you were born

Stares

And when you smile, the whole world stops & stares for a while.. Cause girl, You got a little something stuck in your teeth ._.

Colors

I like how the colors red, white, and blue represents freedom... Until you see them flashing behind you

Out

Will you go out with me? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

Police

So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

Taxi

3 men were drunk,they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were drunk,he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them,we have arrived. The 1st guy gave him money, ... 2nd guy said

Gym

i saw a fat girl in the gym yesterday. she had an ipad strapped to her arm.

Dad

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

Dog, cat

Dog: These people feed me, shelter me and love me.. They must be God Cat: These people feed me, shelter me and love me.. I must be God

Funny things

More Funny Things To Do ••••• Go to a libary and ask for a book on how to read. ••••• Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now. ••••• Run up to a couple and yell at one of them "Why'd you give me AIDS?". •••• Tie a rock to a string and take it for a walk. Every now and then yell "Bad boy, Fluffy!" ••••• Tell your dad in a public place- "Look, old man, I don't want your candy!"

Family

Family: Your so pretty! I bet tons of guys are falling for you! School: Some one poke it with a stick, see if it bites.

Porn

Just got home from work and found my wife on a porn site. I'm gonna have to talk to her about it when she gets home.

Lebron

Lebron: I'm proposing to my girl. Kobe: with what?

Boyfriend

"Dude she has a boyfriend". So? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score

Jokes

The thing about "your mom" jokes is that they're all old and used up. Like your mom.

Officer

Yes officer, I did see the "Speed limit" sign.. ..I just didn't see you.

Hungry

"I hope your hungry!":

A kind gesture in America. 
A cruel joke in Africa...

Deaf

Dude, she just called you deaf! What? She just called you deaf!!! Awh hell nawh! My name ain't Beth!!

Lip stick

I bought my wife a new lipstick that helps her lose weight. It's called superglue.

Church

A husband is watching a film. He suddenly screams " NOOOO DON'T GO IN THE CHURCH!!. The wife asks what he is watching. He then says " Our wedding video.."

Jesus

Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant Bunny hiding Easter eggs, there seems to be a gap of missing information.

Sir

You sir, speak fluent bullshit.

Unfairly

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the fat one?"

Dad Son

Son:dad how do you feel about abortions Dad: I dont know ask your sister son: but I dont have a....

Fat guys

Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries

Easter

Easter: The day that Jesus slapped YOLO in the face

News

Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

Hot girl

talkin to hottest girl ever.. me: *smile* her: *smile* hi how are you? *so nervous I cant decide between I'm good or I'm okay* me: I'm gay...wait no (._. )

Exam

During a math exam: *finishes problem* Got: 521.5 Choices: A) 12 B) 14 C) 17 D) 25 Well I haven't used D in a while..

Geometry

Teacher: "Give me a sentence using the word, geometry." Me: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree."

Facebook

Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. Your just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour.

Ice cream

Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces

Jesus

Jesus loves you  A kind gesture in church. Horrifying thing to hear in a Mexicon prison.

Africa

African mom: "You should be grateful you don't eat much. There are obese children in America who would love to be as skinny as you."

Gary oldman

If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for fucks sake don't forget the "R".

Love is fart

Love is like a fart.......if you have to force it then it's probably shit.

Old people

Pickup lines for old people: Grandpa: Hey baby, you better call life alert, cause ive fallen for you and cant get up

Cops

When a cop pulls you over and asks,"do you know why I pulled you over," you might not want to say "because my tires look like donuts."

Jokes

Mexícan and blàck jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

Eyes

If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small tits

Messages

Funny text messages to send!: (part 2) 1. Hello. I am a virus and i am entering your brain right now.. sorry i will leave, i can't find a brain:) 2. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice..

Five seconds

If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would have no friends.

Christmas

Do you think Satan gets alot of letters from dyslexic kids during christmas?

Wake up

Sometimes, I wake up bitchy. Other times, I just let her sleep.

Guns

That awkward moment when you get in trouble for bringing guns to school when all you did was wear a muscle shirt.

11

1• After chopping onions on the kitchen sink faucet (or any stainless steel) to get rid of the smell. 2• Studying or working in your room? Keep your shoes on, Your mind associates having your shoes on with being busy.

10

: 1• If you're in a public restroom that doesn't smell good, wipe soap on your nose! It'll block out the smell. 2• Make a burn mark disappear by giving it a little pressure, it'll return to normal tempature. 3• Want to get the

9

1• Need just a little more power from some dead batteries? Put A where B is, & B where A is, & you get another few minutes of use. 2•Not sure if a pair of shoes fits, & no time to try them on? Your foot

8

1• Easy way to wake up: Play a game Angry Birds, It'll stimulate your mind. 2• If you spend a while looking for something, after you find it, put it back in the first place you looked for it. 3• Isn't is annoying how apples get

7

1• Keep your windows open for 10 minutes every day (better when it's cold!). It'll make your room smell better + increase airflow. 2• On vending machines, if you press the buttons in order 4, 2, 3, 1, you can

6

1• Have a stomach ache? Lay on your left side and rub your stomach in clockwise circles. It'll help! 2• Clear your stuffed nose: Push tounge against roof of mouth, then press finger between eyebrows. Repeat each 20

5

1• Have a bunch of nickels/dimes/pennies? Put them into a vending machine and use coin return. You'll get mostly quarters back. 2• If your car is overheating, turn on the heater. (It gets heat from the engine, so it pulls

4

1• To exit a maze touch your hand to the right wall and keep walking like that, you'll eventually reach the exit. 2• Buy a video game, play it and beat it. Bring back to store A, say it's scratched, & get a new copy.

3

1• When your hungry, but probably shouldn't eat too much, drink hot/warm water. It'll fill you up! 2• Try applying your deodorant at night instead of the morning! It'll be more effective and you'll sweat less the next

2

1• When a zipper is facing down, it can be zipped and unzipped. Flip it to face up, and it's in lock position, try it! 2• If you can't kill a fly, spray it with Windex and it won't be able to fly anymore! 3• Itchy mosquito bites?

Math

*school* In class: 1+1=2 In homework: 1+2+7=10 In test: if richard has 4 oranges and gives 1 away, calculate the sun's mass

Cow

I said ”Cow!” to a woman on a bike earlier today. She screamed back multiple curses right before she drove right into the cow I just warned her about.

Teacher

Teacher- "What do u call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?" Me- "A teacher?"

Smileys

Does anyone else wonder if Asian people put smileys like this? ¦)

Fat chick

*Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh outta the shower (; " *Nerd comments* "You spelled ocean wrong."

Asians

ASIAN PARENTS: Son why you get bad grade on test?! We not C-SIAN, we not B-SIAN, we are AAAAA- SIIIIAANNN!!

Vending machine change

HOW TO REMOVE CHANGE FROM A VENDING MACHINE: Step 1: Find a vending machine where you can't see your drink get vended. Step 2: Enter this code using the drink selection buttons (numbers are the

Fat

A fat woman just served me at McDonald's earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry, you'll lose that eventually."

Hurt

Boy: Did it hurt. Girl: (sigh) did what hurt Boy: Breaking through the earths crust ascending from hell Girl:(°_°)

Number

Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. Your answer is three. Your Mind=blown

Women

When women talk to each other, The Devil sits in a corner, quietly listening and learning.

Tough questions

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS: Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one Question 2: Say it is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with anthologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day Candidate B was kicked out of office twice sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening Candidate C is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer*********** Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler And by the way, if you said yes to answer the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember amateurs built the ark ...Professionals built the Titanic"Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special."

1

 1. If someone doesn't like you, ask to borrow their pencil. It's a cool psychological trick that will make them like you more. 2. Having a conversation with someone and not sure if they're interested? Fold your arms. If

Ice cream

Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces

Texts

Send this text after someone texts you. Error Code 405: The person you are trying to reach has a toll fee of $10.79 per SMS Message if you do not have the same carrier. Press 1 for charges. Or send STOP to discontinue fees. Your fee total is: $10.79.

Sleeping

Caught Sleeping At School? Excuses Here. So what do you do when your teacher walks up and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get detention or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 5 best things to say when getting caught asleep are: 5) ''They told me earlier when I donated blood that this might happen.'' 4) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!'' 3) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating. 2) ''I was testing my workbook for drool resistance.'' 1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.'' L.O.E.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Areyou the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great saying... but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.

Ladies, if you don't know how to dance. Just draw your name in the air with your butt. Problem solved.

You sir, deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast

I don't know what's more awkward, answering Dora or sitting in silence while she stares at you

strange man

Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants."

black eye

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed?

temper

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his

therapist

Little Johnny wriggled uncomfortably on his psychiatrist's couch pouring out his heart, bewailing his inability to get any respect.

"What's wrong with me?" demanded little Johnny.

did for living

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

Contagious

Little Johnny comes home from School one day, with a worried look on his face. His father asks him ,"whats troubling you Little Johnny"

class

A teacher asked her first grade class how many of them were fans of President Obama. Not understanding what the teacher meant but seeking her approval, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked him why he couldn't go along with the rest of the class.

adorable

you: your abcdefghijk
girl: whats that
you: adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fascinating, gorgeous, and hot.
girl: awww whats ijk? guy: im just kidding

retard

Hahaha Did I like retard another to it send retard a like this read to trying time ass sweet your took you since. (Now read it backwards)

problem

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in a envolope, fold it up and shove it up your ass.

general

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an old Australian ABC television interview between a female broadcaster and General Peter Cosgrove (ex head of the Australian Defence Forces, and now all round nice guy doing lots of non-Army crap) who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters (he was still the Army boss at

ex

Have you ever taken a second look at you Ex and thought quietly to yourself, "Was i drunk our entire relationship??"

fleas

may the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may there arms be too short to scratch.. amen!

walmart

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said

whispers

Things to yell when someone whispers something to u.
1.you want me to ask her out FOR you?
2.yes it is bad to take a shower once a week

pants

boy: i wear the pants in this relationship
girl: yah but i control the zipper

21 things to do at school

21 THINGS TO DO AT SCHOOL
1. pick a common word your teacher says during a lesson and everytime they say it, get up and run around your desk clapping and laughing histerically.
2. hold up a huge sign in class that says check your fly.
3. organize a group of people to all fall out of their chair at the same time. 4. bring ear muffs to class and every few minutes ask if they can speak louder.

ex

When you ex says "Youll never find someone like me again"...reply ...."thats the point "

someone

When someone tells you "what are you looking at"
Say "Your mom's mistake"

do

Them: Bitch.
You: call me a bitch again i dare you.
Them: Bitch
You: That's right bitches do what their told.

class

I've got a high class, ghetto ass, sexy smile, bangin' style, luscious thighs, candy eyes, temptin' lips, killa kiss. so wave goodbye & blow a kiss cause baby, you can't handle this.

meet

9 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas & I had the unfortunate luck to meet your dumbass.

date

Boy: will you go out with me? Girl: no. Boy: do you even know what I said? Girl: yeah. Boy: what did I say then? Girl: will you go out with me. Boy: sure. ;)

broken up

Roses are red ,
Violets are blue ,
You actually thought i'd cry over you'?
I told you I loved you ,  You thought it was true'? Well guess wat player'? You got played too'!

restricted number

The next time a ristricted number calls you, answer it saying; "Chucks Disposible Dildos, suck em,fuck em, and chuck em! How can i help you?"
you get some awesome responses

person

person: WTF are you looking at
You: OH SHIT IT TALKS!

soldier

*a soilder from afghanistan gets a letter from his girlfriend*dearRicky I can no longer continue this relationship i will admit i cheated on you twice please return me my picture love becky... The soldier with hurt hurt feelings

broke

Yo momma so fat she broke the branch in her family tree.:):):)

stair

yo mama is so fat, she fell down the stair. I didn't want to laugh
but the ground was cracking up...

yelling

Yo mama so stupid, she was yelling inside an envelope because she wanted to send a voice mail

picture

yo mama so fat i took a picture of her last christmas its still printing

serial killer

Yo Momma is so stupid she heard there was a serial killer on the loose and she went home and hid all the Cheerios.

cheat codes

ur mamma sooooo fat she has cheat codes for wii fit

walmart

Me: Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people??
Friend: no
Me: *laughing*
Friend: asshole -_-

shower

Time spent in shower.
10% just standing there.
20% wash, rinse, and repeat.
70% winning imaginary arguments.

500 bricks

me: if you have 500 bricks on a plane and you drop 1 out how much do you have ?
friend: easy 499
me: correct now what are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in the fridge ?
friend: open the fridge put the elephant in and close it c: me: correct now what are the 4 steps to putting a dear

drink

Teacher: Get Rid Of That Drink, No Drinks In Class
Kid: But My Doctor Gave It Too Me And Told Me To Drink It
Teacher: Who Is Your Doctor?
Kid: Dr.Pepper

ugly

yo mama so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

fat

yo mama so fat she found her scale hanging in the bathroom with a suicide note

robot

A man buys a lie detector which slaps a person if they r lying...one evening he decides to test it.
DAD: Son where were u today?
SON: School! "Robot slaps him"
SON: ok...I lied went

stupid

Yo Momma is so stupid that she crawls on the floor in walmart to find lower prices

anyday

Things to do anyday!:
1. While your parents are sleeping, walk into their room, rip off their covers and yell: "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?! THE ZOMBIE RAID IS HERE!" Look up as if you saw or heard a zombie, then run away

kiss

What a kiss means....
♥ Kiss on the stomach = Im ready ♥ Kiss on the Forehead ="i hope we're together forever" ♥ Kiss on the Ear = Your my everything ... ... ... ♥ Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends" ♥ Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you" ♥

quarter

yo momma so stupid she put a Quarter in each ear and thought she was listening to 50 cent.

stupid

Yo mama so stupid i asked wat the capital of Texas is and she said T

fat

Yo mama is so fat, when she looks at the McDonald's menu she gets horny

3rd grade answers

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your
problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!” Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s

abreviation

B.I.T.C.H Beautiful Individual That Corrects Hoes C.L.A.S.S. Come Late And Start Sleeping
F.I.NA.L.S. Fuck I Never Actually  Learned Shit S.C.H.O.O.L Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life.C.U.N.T

lol

My mom thought "lol" meant lots of love. The next day she texted me "your grandma died today. Lol"

zoo

Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong at the zoo, but no fear I'll be there too, not in a cage, but laughing at you.

sparta

[(CAUTION:THIS IS SPARTA])
{{WHEN TO SAY THIS IS SPARTA}}
1.In a elevator full of people.
2.On a bus. 3.In a library. 4.In the middle of class at school. 5.On the toilet. 6.In the toilet.

prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl

children are quick

Children are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Because Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math

10 facts

I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.

marathon

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like

total gym

Chuck Norris personally assembles every Total Gym that he sells using only round house kicks and raw materials from his back yard. He also does all of his own shipping. I bought one online last week and paid for

childhood items

Chuck Norris once had a yard sale of his old childhood items such as his baby rattle, frisbee, and his class ring. We know these lucky buyers as Thor, Captain  America, and the Green Latern

borders

A man was found lying unconscious on the floor of a Borders bookstore with massive trauma to the head... Down next to him was Chuck Norris pop-up book.

carpet

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his living room. The bear isn't dead, its just afraid to move.

karma

Karma promised you that it would take care of your enemys and failed. So Chuck Norris is here to finish the job. Rate ***** and comment their name and let it begin.
P.S. Yea he's a badass

10 feet

Chuck Norris once discovered how to make his penis 10 feet  long. astonished to hear the news, other men asked him how he accomplished this feat.Chuck norris simply said," I folded it in half.

diary

They found Chuck Norris' diary.   It's now known as the Guiness Book of World Records.

action figure

My son left his Chuck Norris action figure in my daughters room. Now all her Barbies are pregnant.

shop lift

chuck Norris can shoplift on eBay

endager list

the world's top scientists are in a debate. some of them say because there is only one Chuck Norris he should be put on the endangered species list. however, most of the scientists agree that because there is only one

dad

When chuck Norris left his parents house to go to college, he told his dad.... your the man of the house now

feb 30

Chuck Norris once killed a man on February 30th and told the calendar to forget it ever happened.

germs

most antibacterial soaps kill 99 percent of germs, chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants

toilet

Chuck Norris dosent flush the toilet he scares the shit out of it.

camp fire

steven segal, arnold schwarzenegger, and chuck norris were sitting around a camp fire. Steven is telling how he snaped the necks of hundreds of men. Arnold tells his storied of how he punched men through their stomachs. Chuck Norris just sits there quietly stirring the coals with his penis.

light bulb

How many Chuck Norris does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chucks light bulbs will never burn out. They are afraid of being alone in the dark with Chuck Norris.

toilet paper

They once made a brand of Chuck Norris toilet paper but it was a complete failure because it doesn't take shit from no one.

mermaid

chuck norris once slept with a mermaid. 9 months later, michael phelps was born

game of chess

The game of chess orginally had a piece called the Chuck Norris. It was removed because in one move, it can kill all pawns, knights, and brooks, remove the bishop of his title, de-throne the king, and get the queen pregnant.

knock knock

"knock knock"..."who's there"..."chuck norris"..."chuck norris who?".....and that is how my uncle died.

boat

Jesus, the Pope, and Chuck Norris were on a boat. All of a sudden, Jesus gets out and walks on the water until he reaches the shore. Chuck Norris does the same thing. When the Pope tried to, he sank and drowned. Jesus

shot

This just in, the legendary actor/martial artist Chuck Norris was shot in the back of the head at 7:12pm pacific time tonight by an alleged "Steven Sagal fan."  We now go live to the hospital where the bullet is said to be in "critical" condition.

not aware

chuck norris was never aware of the filming of walker texas ranger

ghetto

When Chuck Norris takes a stroll through the ghetto, the homies pull up their pants and speak english correctly.

waldo

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding

giraffes

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

god

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Chuck Norris die and go to heaven.  They see God sitting on his throne and beside him is an empty seat.  God says to them "Only one of you can have this seat.  Tell me why

parking

handicapped parking is reserved for chuck norris.  the picture on the sign shows what would happen to you if you take his spot

justin bieber

Justin bieber runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by Sheriff Chuck. Bieber thinks that he is smarter than Chuck because he is sure that he has a better education. Bieber decides to prove this to himself and have some

postage stamp

Chuck Norris doesn't lick his postage stamps. He just looks at them and they wet themselves.

nazi surrender

Nazi Germany surrender to the United States on May 7th 1945. Chuck Norris was born on May 6th 1945 coincidence, I think not.

virginity

chuck norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

10 facts

here are 10 great Chuck norris facts:
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

rick krispies

When Chuck Norris adds milk to Rice Krispies, they shut the fuck up.

men's rules

The Men's rules...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules: Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is

Gamble

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will

search engine

I wanna make a search engine just like google and call it www.fuck.com, Person 1: what's that animal? Person 2: idk, lets fuck it!!

birthdays

Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have, its harder to breathe

facebook status

*On Facebook* Slut: Last name Ever first name Greatest!!! Nerd: Middle name MISTAKE!!!!

blonde vs fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools " together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started

M.O.M.

me: mom, can i have $20? mom: do i look like im made of money? me: isnt that what mom stands for?

hotel stay

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get

trucker

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the

kate and paul

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix

poop

So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a colossal *pop* ... it goes dark.   My wife shouted, "Darling, are you alright? The power just went out!"  I replied:

gods

Zeus: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! The Kraken: RELEASE THE CHUCK NORRIS!!!

soap

Soap is scared of getting Chuck Norris in its eyes

mcdonalds

Chuck Norris brought Mcdonalds to its knees with a roundhouse kick to the Mcnuggets

drowned

Chuck Norris drowned Aqua Man.

toxic waste

Chuck Norris once fell into a vat of toxic waste, afterwards the toxic waste gained super powers.

Chuck Norris balls never stick to his legs.

100% exam

        STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN  EXAM*   *I would have given him 100% Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?  **his last battle* Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?  **at the

text message

that awkward moment when your waiting for a text message and you realize your the one who didnt reply.....

voice

The awkward moment when someone's voice doesn't match their appearance.

mad

The awkward moment when you're mad at someone, and then they make you laugh.

adele vs spongebob

adele: "I set fire to the rain." spongebob: "bitch please, I light campfires underwater!"

the start

"SO THIS BITCH." -- The start of an amazing story.

awkward moment list

AWKWARD MOMENTS: 1.) That awkward moment when someone says 'hi' and you say 'good thanks'. 2.) That awkward moment when you say 'bye' but walk in the same direction. 3.) That awkward moment when

Giraffe

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor share it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Wedding

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to

politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s cal me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money,

Mom's cheating

Kid comes home from school earlier than usual and finds his mom cheating on his dad, so he hides in a closet to look. while he is at it, his dad comes home early too, so his mom hides her lover in the closet with the kid.
Kid - It's dark in here...

condom experience

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She

Things to do at Walmart

I call this one 'Things To Do At Wal-Mart. (1) Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. (2) Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the restroom. (3) Walk up to an employee and in an official tone tell them, "Code 3 in housewares," and see what they do.

Things to do on an elevator

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR
MUST READ!
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on

Funny Labels

Funny labels on products:
1) WARNING-packets of peanuts, may have nuts inside
2) Christmas lights-for indoor or outdoor use only

Men's Rule

The Men's rules...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules: Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it

Women's English

Yes = No.
No = Yes.  Maybe = No.  We need = I want.  I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.  We need to talk = I need to complain.  Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.  Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.  I'm not upset = Of course

Do you ever....

10 - if you push the car remote lock/unlock more times than needed.
9 - if you walk between two trees straight through an invisible spiderweb you start to think the worse.
8 - if you have ever washed your hands in a public restroom only because someone came in before you could

Insanity list

To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.

Label on consumer goods

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

True 90's Kid

True 90's Kid!
1.You can't resist finishing the words "In west Philadelphia born and raised.."
2.You still get the urge to say "NOT" (almost) after every sentence..
Not

vs Teacher

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?" "None," replied

didn't see

I didn't run into anyone I know today. Guess who's wearing the exact same thing tomorrow.

monster vs kid

"Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!"
"That's silly there's no such thing as mo... OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. goodnight."

Marriage

I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married.I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Lsd vs Granny

Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

school

*school*
In class: 1+1=2
In homework: 1+2+7=10
In test: if richard has 4 oranges and gives 1 away, calculate the sun's mass

password

A horny husband helps his wife setup a password for a computer. He typed MYPENIS. She fell on the floor laughing when it said ''Error Not long enough"

stand

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

life and death

what if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really us just being pushed out of a vagina into our next life

hate

Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive.
"Look at this bitch, eating those fucking crackers like she owns the place!"

laughing

Laughing so hard no noise comes out; so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

weddings

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, "You're next." ...So I started doing the same shit to them at funerals!

Mexican, Black and Blonde Man

a Mex1can man, b1ack man, and blonde man are sitting together on top of a building they're constructing, getting ready to eat lunch. the Mex1can opens his lunchbox and says 'tacos again! everyday its tacos! i swear if my wife

Smart Blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

At Doctor's office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in

Russian, an American and a Blonde

A russian, an american, and a blonde are all talking one day. the russian bragged "we were the first in space!" the american replied "we were the first on the moon!" the blonde says "so what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

mailbox

A man is in his front lawn mowing the grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. she opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into her house. A little later she

blonde vs body builder

A body builder takes off his shirt & a blonde says "Whow what a great chest u have !" he says 100 lbs of dynamite Babe ! He takes off his pants & the blonde says "What massive calves u have ! " he replies thats 100

Two Blondes

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financia trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they

blonde vs mirror

so there is a mirror. if u lie it sucks u in if u tell the truth u get a wish. a red head goes up to the mirror and says "im the prettiest in the whole school" she gets sucked in. a brunette says

Puzzle

 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The

blonde against cop

a bruenette, redhead, and blonde were running from the cops. they decide to hide in a barn.. the bruenette hids behind a cow the redhead a pig and the blonde a sack of potatoes....the cops come and shines the light on the

Butt ugly people

A bus full of butt ugly people is driving down the road when it crashes, blows up, and kills everyone inside. The people all go to heaven and meet God at the gates, he says, since you have all been good people you will get one

Men have better friends

Proof that Men have Better friends:
Friendship among women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's

taking things apart

Have you ever taken something apart, had a look inside, then carefully put everything back only to realise you've got some

Bullshit

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey“ but I haven’t got the energy." “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull“ They’re packed with

cop vs kid

A little girls is riding her bicycle down the street, when she comes to a stoplight, a cop on a horse pulls up next to her. He says, "nice bike you got there, did you get it from santa?" and the little girl gladly says yes. So the cop

Breaking up

Today I was on facebook and saw this:                                        
 Slut: OMG lioke 2daiii wuzz dee wursst daii evr!!!                              
Comments:                                    
Friend: OMG bbz y?! wat hapnd yhuu lioke!    

Mom

At age 4, we think: Mom knows everything! At 8: Mom knows a lot! At 12, Mom doesn't really know everething . At 14, Mom doesn't know anything. At 16: Mom doesn't exist. At 18: she's old fashioned. At 25, Maybe mom does

Bird Flying

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of

Football player

The star of the football team has a blind dad who always comes to his games, even though he cant see his son play. Well, one day he gets very sick and dies before the night of his big game. The team is expecting him to slack

Nice Guys

What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a

Letter to husband

Dear Husband:
 I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that

George Bush

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have

Job

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with.
  First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely

Locker Room

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen MAN: “Hello”

Girlfriend's Sister

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My

Revenge

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my

Two Questions

Question 1:
 If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next

White Woman

a white woman, about 51 years old, was seated next to a bläck man on an airplane. obviously disrupted by this, she called the air hostess. "Madam, what is the matter?" the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it,"

Does God Exist

Really cool if you belive in God
A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that
exists?"
 A student bravely

long jokes

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With

one liners

Seeing the first question on a test and thinking "Yup, i'm screwed."

short jokes section

Me: i'll have a mcdouble, mcfries, a mcnapkin, a...
Employee: sir why are you-