Helen keller

Me: Why can't Helen Keller drive? Mom: She's blind. Me: No she's dead. Dad: No she's a woman.

Dog

Treat life's problems like your dog would... If you can't eat it or fuck it, just piss on it and walk away.

Facebook

Why is there a "born in 2012" option when making a Facebook? "Just got home from the hospital where I popped out of my mom! #YOLO!"

Feat

Who the hell is this "feat" person? He's in like every song

Africa

Whats the most positive thing about africa?

HIV

Lyrics

1980 lyrics: If you leave, don't leave now. Please don't take my heart away. Promise me just one more night. Then we'll go our separate ways. 2012 lyrics: Almost drowned in her pussy so I swam to her butt.

Slapped

I think I had my zipper down when I slapped my wife at Walmart. I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a dick!"

Big

Big boobs = no ass No ass = big boobs Big boobs and big ass = ugly face Big boobs , big ass , pretty face = hoe

Single

I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone".

Sex

After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband used a dildo on her the entire time. Angry she stormed into the living room while he was watching TV with the kids and said, "Explain the dildo, you bastard!" The husband calmly turned to her and said, "EXPLAIN THE KIDS BITCH!!"

Crappy heart

Teacher: * Draws crappy heart on board* "Class, do you know what this is?" Student 1: I think it's an ass." Student 2: " Yeah, it's an ass." Teacher: "No! Where do you guys know this? I'm calling the Principal!" Principal: "Alright guys, why are you messing with the teacher?" Class: "Us? We're not messing with her." Principal: Then who drew the ass on the board?" Teacher: -_-

Annoying kid

So this kid gets on a bus to go to school, and while hes on the bus, he starts to play a little game with himself but loud enough for the bus driver to hear."If my mom was a lion and my dad were a tiger, I would be a liger ""If my mom were a bird and my dad were a squirrel, I would be a squird. ".The bus driver got annoyed by this kid to the point where he screamed at the kid "IF YOUR MOM WERE A SLUT AND YOUR DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? ".The kid quickly says "A bus driver ".

Book

I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called bitches & hoes.

Women

Q:Why can't two women play monopoly at the same time? A:Because there's only one iron.

For men

Four men in a prison cell, a rapist, a murderer, a psycho and a gay person. The rapist says, "IF THERE WAS A CAT HERE I'D FUCK IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH". The murderer says, "ONCE YOUR DONE WITH IT, I'D TORTURE IT TO DEATH". The psycho says, "OH YEAH AND ONCE IT'S DEAD I'D FUCK IT TILL I DIE". The gay person in the corner very softly says.. "Meeoow.."

Teachers

English teachers put more thought into a book than the author did

Rihanna

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her, I doubt her ancestors thought that way.

Justin bieber

How does Justin Bieber remove a condom after sex?

He farts.

German

What do you call a blind German?

A Not-see!

Battery

The battery on my phone dies quicker than a b!ack guy in a horror movie.

Earth

I'm like a really down to earth guy because you know...

gravity.

Hell

I think if I died and went straight to hell, it'd take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

Teacher

Teacher: * Draws crappy heart on board* "Class, do you know what this is?" Student 1: I think it's an ass." Student 2: " Yeah, it's an ass." Teacher: "No! Where do you guys know this? I'm calling the Principal!" Principal: "Alright guys, why are you messing with the teacher?" Class: "Us? We're not messing with her." Principal: Then who drew the ass on the board?" Teacher: -_-

Mosquito

I'm more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.

Facebook

That awkward moment when your not sure if liking someones sad Facebook status shows support or if it means you like their sadness.

Google

Q: is google a boy or girl A: is obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

Facebook

That awkward moment when your not sure if liking someones sad Facebook status shows support or if it means you like their sadness.

Midget

im more upset than a midget with a yo-yo.

Foreign

I love fucking with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

Alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very

Handy woman

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs

Fart

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart. The music on the bus is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After A couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As

Pickle

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came hone and told his wife he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them 20 years of devoted service.

Pick up line

New pickup line. guy: hey, I can't find my phone. can you please call it. girl: sure.. ring ring ring. guy: HAHA BITCH I GOT YOUR NUMBER NOW!!

Friends

*How girls become friends* Omg, I love your shoes. *How guys become friends* Excuse me sir, I see you fuck bitches. I, myself, also fuck bitches.

Black guy

Chuck Norris can be a bläck guy in a horror movie and survive until the end.

Mouse

Me: Hey, what mouse walks on 2 legs? Friend: I don't know. Me: Mickey Mouse! What duck walks on 2 legs? Friend: Donald Duck! Me: No, all of them you retard.

Dumb

Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Wife

What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.*You have left the chain to long.

Condom

One man calls emergency:*- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!*After five minutes, the same man calls back:*- It is OK, I found another one.

Mic check

*Best mic check ever* "Pop, Pop...Popsicle. Ice, Ice.....Icesicle. Test Test....Testing 1, 2, 3!!"

Funny test answers

Funny Test Answers *Real test answers. lol* Q: In which battle did Napoleon die? A: His last battle. Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom of the page. Q: River Ravi flows in

Facts

Did you know? 1) Lemon, orange and lime all repel spiders. 2) Eating 3-4 marshmallows will soothe a sore throat. 3) There is a new type of music (called Binaural Beats) that can make you high and trigger special

Slippers

READ - Wrong use of the word 'Fuck'.... Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick- How you doing? Bob- Fine. Hey do me a favor, go upstairs and get me slippers. My feet are freezin.

Tips

FUN TIP FOR PARTIES: 1: Pour vodka in a bowl and add gummibears. 2: put the bowl in the freezer. Vodka can't freeze so the gummibears suck in the vodka and swell up! 3: ejoy your giant vodka gummibears!

Rappers

What?! 2 pac of eminems for 50 cent?! That's ludacris!!!!

Coca cola

COCA COLA WENT TO TOWN, DIET PEPSI SHOT HIM DOWN, DR. PEPPER FIXED HIM UP, NOW WE'RE DRINKING 7-UP, 7-UP GOT THE FLU, NOW WE'RE DRINKING MOUNTAIN DEW,

America

only in america will you see people circling the parking lot looking for a close space at a gym.

Grab

Do you ever just wanna grab someone by the shoulders, look them deep in the eyes and whisper, "no one gives a fuck"

breath mint

Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

Wtf facts 1

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Wtf facts

WTF Facts; Part 39 ! 1) In the original version of the fairy tale, Sleeping Beauty was raped by the king and gave birth to two children. 2) A strawberry is not an actual berry, but a banana is. 3) If you are being chased

21 century

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY! Our Phones ~ Wireless! Cooking ~ Fire-less! Cars ~ Key-less! Food ~ Fat-less! Dress ~ Sleeveless! Youth ~ Jobless! Leaders ~ Shameless! Relationships ~ Meaningless!

Killing

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He told me to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Longer essay

[SCHOOL HACKS] If you ever need to make an essay longer: CTRL+F and search for "." Change the font size of the periods from 12 to 14. They are the exact

List of jokes

99% of the world is stupid I'm just so glad I'm the other 2% -- $19.99 Because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money -- Hey! Don't pack up yet! We still have 37 seconds left of class -- What if your pillow

Elevator

Not Mine But Hilarious! Worth the Read! : This is a True Story... On a weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in

Genius

Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a goldfish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it is stupid. -Albert Einstein

Pack names

Prank call names 1 -Moe Lester (molester)... 2 -Amanda Huggenkiss (a man to hug an kiss)... 3 -Allota Fajeyena (alot of vagina)... 4 -Anna Linjection (anal injection)... 5 -Betty Bangzzer (bet he bangs her)... 6 -

Dear

Dear Board of Education,


So are we.

Scary

SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet and seeing the water rising up, instead of going down.

Gay bar

So this guy walks into a gay bar...Nevermind, you were probably there

Urinal

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me. I turned my back a bit but when I looked around he was still winking at me, so I said" What's your Fucking problem, do you fancy me or

Fast food

Whoever snuck the s in fast food is a clever bastard

Fortune

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah. " said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see

Wtf facts

WTF Facts; ! 1) There are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on the earth. 2) An estimated 1 out of 200 women is born with a third nipple. 3) A French Kiss is called an English Kiss in France. 4) Only in

School hacks

[SCHOOL HACKS 1] 1) If you get called on to read, and have no idea where they're at, just "accidently" drop your book and make sure it closes. So now you can ask what page

Following

boy following girl girl: why are you following me boy: my mother told me to follow my dreams girl: awwwwwwww boy: just kidding, im gonna rape you

Gay

You're so gay you wear your boxers backwards for easy access.

Vegas

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Until its old enough to drive and come looking for Daddy.

Manual

Does anybody have an owner's manual for a girlfriend? Mine's making a terrible loud whining noise.

Cop

I got pulled over by a cop yesterday. He asked me " Do you know why I pulled you over?" Apparently "Because my tires look like donuts" was the wrong answer

Japanese

Whenever I dump a Japanese girl, they act like everything is fine.... It's like I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

Family guy

Meg: I want to kill myself! I'm gunna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts. *Lois and Peter stare in silence.* Meg: I'm allegric to peanuts... *Lois and Peter stare in silence.* Meg: You

Sensation

Boy : Sex Is A Sensation, Caused By A Temptation, To Feel Penetration, To Increase The Population, Of The Next Generation . Do You Get My Explanation ? Or Do You Need A Demonstration ? Girl : Not In My

Stupid things

**STUPID THINGS WE THINK & DO** Wake up in the middle of the night to pee: AVOID ALL MIRRORS Airplane engine makes a sudden noise: I LIVED A GOOD LIFE You hear thumps while in the