Interview

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replied, "Yes - caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he replied. I did two combat tours in Afghanistan. The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy said, "Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaced and then said, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 A.M... every day." The guy was puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Funny things

FUNNY THINGS TO DO IN PUBLIC
1) Go to a petshop, point at a random person and shout "I want that one mommy!" 2) Go to McDonalds and order a diet water, drink it, do a spit take, and yell "I SAID DIET!' 3) Take a stuffed animal to the vet 4) Go into a dressing room, wait 5 minutes, then yell "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!" 5) Dress up as Harry Potter and follow someone around shouting random spells

Happiness

Money doesn't buy happiness. But I'd rather cry in a ferrari.

Underwear

There was a time that you had to pull a woman's underwear down to see her ass. Nowdays you have to open her ass to see her underwear.

Pika

If you forget to say "Pika" before you sneeze, you can always just say "bacca" afterwards

Mermaid

Why does Ariel wear sea-shells? Because she couldn't fit into the D-Shells!!

Yahoo

Actual Yahoo Q/A: Q. Could you do me a summary of the second world war? A. BOOM BOOM BOOM POW POW POW SPLASH TATATATATATATATATA F*CK YOU H1TLER

Life hacks

1• Looking for something? Scan right to left with your eyes. You'll pick up more since your brain isn't used to reading that way. 2• Buy a world map shower curtain. You'll become a geography expert from all the time in the shower! 3• Want to take an Instagram photo and save it without posting it? Switch you're phone to airplane mode. 4• Clean your microwave--Put a cup of hot water + vinegar inside, turn on for 3-5 minutes. 5• The easiest way to track passages: type the number into Google!

Wife

My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining . If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in.

Wife

God promised man that good, obedient wives could be found in all corners of the world then God smiled... and made the world round.

Dad

*My dad helping me find a gf* Dad: What do you want most in a woman? Me: My dick

Fruit loops

What if Fruit Loops are just gay Cheerios?

Milk

They say milk gives you strength. Drink 10 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. You cant. Drink 10 shots of Vodka and it moves by itself.

Ace ventura

BEST ACE VENTURA QUOTE: If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer.

911

"911 what's your emergency?" 'thares a fire!' "sir please state your location." 'the dancefloor!' (°0°)

Gay

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch."

cop

Cop pulls over a man " Sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test " Man : " I cant, i have asthma i might have an attack " Cop : " then i need to take a blood sample " Man : " No sir, im a hemopiliac, i might bleed to death " Cop : " Ok, ill need a pee sample " Man : " I cant do that either officer, im a diabetic, i might get low blood sugar " Cop : " Fine, just walk this line " Man : " I cant " Cop : " Why? " Man : " Cause im drunk "

Freeway

The cops pulled Chuck Norris over for going 55 miles per hour on the freeway. But since he wasn't in a car, they had to give him a ticket for jaywalking.

Girlfriend

My girlfriend got mad and told me i treat her like a child..

so i gave her a sticker for standing up for herself

Kim kardashian

Kim Kardashian is suing me for using her legs for my new store's logo.

I just want my customers to know we're open 24 hours.

Time capsule

Tomorrow I'm gonna open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

Date

*on a blind date* Girl: I understand that you're shy, its only cause you're not as cool as me ;) Me: Psssh, I'm so cool I put the "me" in awesome! Girl: Ha, I'm so cool I put the "I" in amazing! Me: Oh yeah?! I put the "roofies" in soda pop! Girl: There's no roofies in so- *falls unconscious* Me: Heh heh heh, you silly bitch └(￣︶￣〃)

Calories

I just burned 1200 calories in about 5 minutes... I forgot the pizza was in the oven ( ._.)

Slut

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm just saying that if you ever went to a sperm bank, your spit would be accepted.

Pick up line

Me: Excuse me ma'am. Is your name by any chance, Google? Her: No, why? Me: 'Cause you have everything I'm searching for.

Prank

-Prank call KFC. -Hope it's a female -Say " I was wondering how large your breasts are?" -Wait for a priceless response. -Fuck bitches.

Back man

How many cops does it take to push a blāck man down the stairs? None..he fell.

Vacation

If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are.