Lion

Two guys are chatting at the bar. "So, how was your holiday in Africa?" asks one. "Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!" "Go on, what happened?"he asks. "Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill it suddenly slipped and broke its leg." "Jesus Christ,! I would have shit myself!"he replies. ......"What the fuck do you think the lion slipped on?"

Curb

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb Me: Awww, are you an orphan? Him: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.

Caution

This store manager doesn't seem to see the humor in me putting their "Caution: Wet Floor" sign in front of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" display.

Police

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb ? None, they just beat the room for being b!ack

100 dollars

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the fuck happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That bastard had all QUARTERS!!!!"

Machine

Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Girlfriend

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch

Special

I got fired from Olive Garden because a lady asked if we had any specials & I pointed at a table of retards.

Excited

♪I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!♬ a popular song in 1982.. but a terrible moment for men.

Auction

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10." The husband says, "What about one my size?" His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself. The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10." His wife says, "What about ones like mine?" The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

Surgery

Things you don't want to hear during surgery: 1. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. 2. Alright everyone, let's dig in. 3. Has anyone seen the instruction manual? 4. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. 5. I don't understand!?!? This didn't happen in the video.

Guys

girl: Do you smoke ? guy: No girl : Do u drink ? guy : no girl: Do you watch porn ? guy: no girl: Then how do u have fun in life ? guy: I lie to people.

Work

Someone at work keeps stealing my lunch from the refrigerator. Tomorrow I'm bringing a cat food sandwich. Bon appetit mother fucker

Hunger

World hunger is getting ridiculous. There's more fruit in my shampoo than an African village.

Kids

*Adorable 3 Year Old Cousin Digging* Me: Wow! What a BIIIIG hole! What are you digging? Cousin: Your grave. Me: MY WHAT?!?

Text messages

Funny text message to send!: I just love making you check your phone for no reason. Who's my Bitch? ...You are. ;)

Break up lines

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines,we need some break-up lines Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?